You, the Seashell

You’re like a seashell that lay in front of my eyes –
Beautifully open,
Exposed.
I looked away just for a second
To catch a glimpse of a someone passing
And when I looked back
You were suddenly
Closed.
Shut.

I do not dare to ask why.
The noise of a Seashell shutting is a loud silence.

Evening Encounters

I walk down the street
the neon lights
of the empty offices
shine at me
revealing proudly
that they have the cleanest
and the purest
desks.
shelves.
lonely computers.

the flawless cleanness
of the forgotten pens.
This is the evening sadness
of the empty offices.

getting away from this one
I encounter yet another one:
the sadness of the empty offices
is changing by
the sadness of a man in the corner.

a man in the corner
has to be a curious fact.
a belly.
and a mustache.
a soft smell of sweat surrounds his head
like a halo.
looking down at his shoes
he observes
his expensive black shoes
brown with wet mud.
obviously he's a bit drunk.

getting away from this one
I encounter yet another one:

I encounter cars.
fast cars.
angry cars.
beeping, beeping.
people shouting at each other.
empty cars.
standing still.
you can still smell the blood.

the sadness of encounters between people.
the sadness of evening encounters.
hungry eyes
exploring, examining,
catching each other's gaze.

the sadness of being pretty and fuckable.
the sadness of looking for an object to fuck –
the saddest sadness of all.

on the highway
the street is wet.
the world is out of tears,
I say.
the street is wet with the rain.

a cat is running down the street
looking for a cat to fuck.
the souls are not born for immortality.




winter, 2007

The Gamblers

I

I want you, but I don’t need you.
I don’t want to loose you, but you know I can.

We both can.
The game is as simple as that.
We can get over,
We can let go.

There is nothing
That we are unable to do
When it comes to forgetting.

I will get over you
And you will get over me,
I guarantee.

If you look at this as a game,
As some sort of a tournament
(and I know these are not too unfamiliar to you),
Than stopping now,
At this very point
Of warm-up,
Would mean giving up,
Loosing.

Trust me,
Staying in would be a bigger challenge,
And I bet you are capable of facing challenges.

Show me how brave you are,
Show me how you’re not afraid.
You know I like you like that.

So... Are you game?

II

You know, I’ve been thinking –
Me and you,
We're like two gamblers
Playing against each other
In a funny game –
Truth or Dare?

This is a game for the two of us,
A playful struggle.

I consider you as a dignified rival –
Self-possessed, graceful, intelligent.
You will neither reveal your cards,
Nor your emotions.
I know how important it is
To stay cool,
Indifferent,
While everything inside us is burning…

There is something big and important at stake.
We play the game fair,
Beautifully setting up massive dramas
For our own selfish enjoyment –
Glorious masquerades of cruelty, punishment and desire.

We punish each other.
We punish ourselves.

We play power games
With no balance ever achievable.
Trust me, this is not going to be
A win-win situation.

We both most likely will end up lost.
Because you and me,
We are just two gamblers,
Equally strong,
Or equally skilled…
…In hiding weaknesses.

But what if... This is not a game anymore?

A Morning

I cook breakfast for myself today,
While you're still sleeping upstairs in your bedroom.
This is a place that you now call home..
I get ready,
I move around.
Sounds of crime are coming through the windows.
I don't see a thing,
Just a piece of a gray sky
And three boiled sausages in front of me.

The Loss

I’ve been losing some parts of my body today:
Blood dripped down my vagina,
Leaving me wondering – is it time?
No, it is not time.
I flushed – Exactly two weeks have passed.

Half a tooth came out of my mouth,
Leaving me scared and helpless.
I called my mom.
No, she did not console me.
I gasped – Exactly two weeks have passed.

The New Year’s Eve has arrived
And passed –
Four with you,
Two without her.
I’ve been losing some parts of my life today,
Not even knowing that they have never been mine.

Thursday Morning is a Good Night

Your words seem so magic
I can’t get enough of you
I can’t possibly get rid of you
Although I try we both try he tries she tries we all try

These words taste so salty
I can’t imagine how to get rid of them
I can’t imagine how to let them go
How not to taste them anymore

These words are so salty
So salty so salty so painless
They crush and cry
They rush and crumble this space

The space

This space is so hard and empty
What would possibly fill it
I can’t imagine

This space is so numb and lonely
I can’t imagine what would change it

These words speak so aimlessly
They are helpless
They are useless
They can’t fill this space

This space

These words are so empty
So empty
So empty
So empty so sad
So empty so sad
So empty so sad
They can’t overwhelm me
I can only taste them
And they taste like rain
Like sweat
Like tears
Like a car accident

The words are wet and salty
The words are sad and empty
The words are unable

Now I try again
To destroy the impotence of relationships
The lack of space
The lack of words
The impossible
Communication

The space is too big to fill
The words are too salty to speak

The jar is too small to empty
I am too small to empty
You are too small to empty

You are unable.






3:02 am
12 June, 2008

The Moon Dance

when I dance the moon dance
I hear magic tunes
half-moon
half orange half yellow
in front of my windows
awakening a mad passion of mine

I dance alone tonight
in remembrance of us
drops of sweat are going down my neck like tears

a lion lives in the forest
at the sea
observing my image under the orange moon
my body dancing a ritual dance
a sacred dance of longing

I cry sweet tears –
where have you been?
this is my body that I devote to you tonight
to you – my still lion of jungles
to you – my sweetest queen

a drop of sweat slides down my neck
to my shoulder and then below
to my breast
I breast
my breasts
touching your breasts
when our naked bodies dance at night

I dance
a cancer in the sand connects to the moon
we share a secret
we sweat
we dive in lovemaking

the moon tonight swallowed the sun and gave birth to us –
two creatures so close to each other
in between water and fire
so perfectly in love