The Gamblers

I

I want you, but I don’t need you.
I don’t want to loose you, but you know I can.

We both can.
The game is as simple as that.
We can get over,
We can let go.

There is nothing
That we are unable to do
When it comes to forgetting.

I will get over you
And you will get over me,
I guarantee.

If you look at this as a game,
As some sort of a tournament
(and I know these are not too unfamiliar to you),
Than stopping now,
At this very point
Of warm-up,
Would mean giving up,
Loosing.

Trust me,
Staying in would be a bigger challenge,
And I bet you are capable of facing challenges.

Show me how brave you are,
Show me how you’re not afraid.
You know I like you like that.

So... Are you game?

II

You know, I’ve been thinking –
Me and you,
We're like two gamblers
Playing against each other
In a funny game –
Truth or Dare?

This is a game for the two of us,
A playful struggle.

I consider you as a dignified rival –
Self-possessed, graceful, intelligent.
You will neither reveal your cards,
Nor your emotions.
I know how important it is
To stay cool,
Indifferent,
While everything inside us is burning…

There is something big and important at stake.
We play the game fair,
Beautifully setting up massive dramas
For our own selfish enjoyment –
Glorious masquerades of cruelty, punishment and desire.

We punish each other.
We punish ourselves.

We play power games
With no balance ever achievable.
Trust me, this is not going to be
A win-win situation.

We both most likely will end up lost.
Because you and me,
We are just two gamblers,
Equally strong,
Or equally skilled…
…In hiding weaknesses.

But what if... This is not a game anymore?

A Morning

I cook breakfast for myself today,
While you're still sleeping upstairs in your bedroom.
This is a place that you now call home..
I get ready,
I move around.
Sounds of crime are coming through the windows.
I don't see a thing,
Just a piece of a gray sky
And three boiled sausages in front of me.

The Loss

I’ve been losing some parts of my body today:
Blood dripped down my vagina,
Leaving me wondering – is it time?
No, it is not time.
I flushed – Exactly two weeks have passed.

Half a tooth came out of my mouth,
Leaving me scared and helpless.
I called my mom.
No, she did not console me.
I gasped – Exactly two weeks have passed.

The New Year’s Eve has arrived
And passed –
Four with you,
Two without her.
I’ve been losing some parts of my life today,
Not even knowing that they have never been mine.

Thursday Morning is a Good Night

Your words seem so magic
I can’t get enough of you
I can’t possibly get rid of you
Although I try we both try he tries she tries we all try

These words taste so salty
I can’t imagine how to get rid of them
I can’t imagine how to let them go
How not to taste them anymore

These words are so salty
So salty so salty so painless
They crush and cry
They rush and crumble this space

The space

This space is so hard and empty
What would possibly fill it
I can’t imagine

This space is so numb and lonely
I can’t imagine what would change it

These words speak so aimlessly
They are helpless
They are useless
They can’t fill this space

This space

These words are so empty
So empty
So empty
So empty so sad
So empty so sad
So empty so sad
They can’t overwhelm me
I can only taste them
And they taste like rain
Like sweat
Like tears
Like a car accident

The words are wet and salty
The words are sad and empty
The words are unable

Now I try again
To destroy the impotence of relationships
The lack of space
The lack of words
The impossible
Communication

The space is too big to fill
The words are too salty to speak

The jar is too small to empty
I am too small to empty
You are too small to empty

You are unable.






3:02 am
12 June, 2008

The Moon Dance

when I dance the moon dance
I hear magic tunes
half-moon
half orange half yellow
in front of my windows
awakening a mad passion of mine

I dance alone tonight
in remembrance of us
drops of sweat are going down my neck like tears

a lion lives in the forest
at the sea
observing my image under the orange moon
my body dancing a ritual dance
a sacred dance of longing

I cry sweet tears –
where have you been?
this is my body that I devote to you tonight
to you – my still lion of jungles
to you – my sweetest queen

a drop of sweat slides down my neck
to my shoulder and then below
to my breast
I breast
my breasts
touching your breasts
when our naked bodies dance at night

I dance
a cancer in the sand connects to the moon
we share a secret
we sweat
we dive in lovemaking

the moon tonight swallowed the sun and gave birth to us –
two creatures so close to each other
in between water and fire
so perfectly in love

* * *

Blessed are the Fridays when he enters you,
His soft hands and skin
That caress your soul...
Blessed are his hands when they shake you.
And even if they hurt you,
blessed are they.

No matter how hard is it, you have to carry it.
As blessed are the lips that kiss
And blessed are the hands that carry.

Bread and Chocolate

* Midnight is yet too early. It’s not even a proper night, it doesn’t count. At midnight we begin to wake up after the evening’s nap. We might even have a late dinner and sit on the balcony with tea or wine. There’s a cool breeze on the balcony, but one can feel that it has been a long hot day. The city is tired, the city cools down. Sounds are getting fewer, movements are becoming slower, smells are brought and then taken away by the night breeze. You enjoy this pace, because you just woke up and feel as slow as this night. I recognize your sly smile, when you tell me ‘the night is young’. Our love is also young – young and charming, like you, my most beautiful woman.

* You taste like chocolate – sweet and solid, a slightly bitter taste of a dark chocolate. I can taste it only when we are alone, when no annoying noise is disturbing our ears. For you and me, the time like this comes during late nights, even in the city. The summer night is when the sound of a passing car reaches the room every now and then and the air is heavy, when the breath is also heavy and only two bodies are left alone – alone in a large or a tiny bedroom.

* Your taste is that of a chocolate, which melts in the heat. Thick substance that is most delicious when being licked. At the first touch it is warm, but at the same time, a bit dry and solid. However, now it’s ready to start melting, just expects a touch of a tongue. The tongue. My tongue touches your softness and warmness. Before this touch I breathe your aroma and prepare myself. The first touch is tender and cautious. This looks more like trying, tasting, which can only last for several seconds, because it is hard to resist the temptation, it is hard to fight the need… And then, your taste is hot chocolate – the hot liquid pleasure.

* It is such a luxury to be together, in our intimate space, alone, two creatures locked up in a bedroom. The walls are protecting you and me, and the sun and the moonlight love us. Everything what is happening within these walls, behind these windows and behind these curtains is hidden from the gaze of the outside world, of the streets, of the universe. Here, our love is safe and brave. Here, we explore each others bodies – fields, mountains, rivers and paths. Here, our flowers bloom under the sun and when it snows, our love doesn’t go to sleep in the winter’s cold; when it snows our love changes its skin and is born anew in the reliable comfort of this house.

* You taste like bread – a bit salty, thick and native. Your smell is the smell of the freshly baked bread – in the white sheets under the sunshine you radiate and intoxicate me. Everything around has the color of milk and amber. Your smell is the odor of the hot bread, which fills the room with strong aroma and makes me want to immediately satisfy my hunger, then and there. When you open up in front of me, I see wheat fields in the summer afternoon, when the heat stands in the air almost like steam – thick, stirring, but still transparent… And then I feel your taste – salty and hot, and I’m unable to stop.

* 24 Hours – sometimes you’re bread, sometimes you’re chocolate; for me both of them delicious, necessary, important and more. You are more than I can express. I want you more and endlessly and always.

* At night we are mystic plants that feed each other and drink each other’s water. We are two long stems that entangle each other, meet in a knot, break free, entangle again and grow. When we make love, a green glow shines from within our bodies and spreads around the room. When we are together, animals and reptiles appear in the room, wild plants grow and a flow of streams can be heard. When we are asleep, the air is filled with the smell of rain and when we wake up, sun appears or disappears and insects begin to sing. At night, we master the nature like witches.

* Sunshine comes into the room through a window and next to it I see you standing on a balcony with a glass of water. White and yellow lights captivate me. I want to come out, embrace you and let our neighbors see that we are together. I want to break these four walls, which protect us and, at the same time, suppress us with its loving hostility. And if love is young, than love has to be free as well.